Chaos & Inspiration
Sometimes I get the impression that Kim and I come from different planets. I am not talking about the “men come from mars and women from venus” thing. I mean like really different planets.
Sometimes when we talk and the narrator does everything to make perfectly clear that they mean “red” the listener will still understand “green”. For a while, I thought, this is so because red in my language translates to green in Kim’s language and vice versa. It turned out that this is not the case.
But, Kim and Steffi, does that not drive you crazy, at times?
Well, you bet.
And not just that… Not only that our wiring is so completely different so that it sometimes takes a lot of effort to make oneself understood to the other one while being born into the same culture and speaking the same native tongue. Additionally, Kim and I were born on different continents and grew up with a different mother tongue.
But, Kim and Steffi, is that not very chaotic, at times?
Well, you bet.
In the beginning of our relationship I was not sure if I could do this. We did not know each other very well, yet. Both of us came with a pretty big package of emotional junk. And we had a talent to trigger the worst nightmares in the other one by saying something completely innocent, due to that communication problem.
Somebody once said: A problem is a pro-blem. It contains the word “pro”, which – in Latin – means “for”. Therefore a problem is something that is there for you to bring your awareness to something. It works for you if you take a loving and curious approach to it. It seems, in Greek, the word pro-blem means pre-glance as well as afore-look. So, a problem might give you a pre-glance of how it will be if you refuse to change some things or a look into the rearview mirror to see what you are about to let go of, if you take a proactive approach to the situation.
It is also known that chaos is where the inspiration is born. This would mean that a chaotic and pro-blematic situation holds a lot of potential for us.
How did I manage to step beyond my urge to run away from the triggered pain and stress and instead tap into the vast pool of inspiration that lies within this relationship?
Assumptions & Clarity
Well, first of all I had to learn to let go of assumptions.
Assumptions in general are not anything bad. Our brain makes assumptions all the time when it fills in the blanks of what we really cannot see and to provide a wholesome picture for us. They can be changed easily if it turns out that things actually are different.
It becomes difficult when those assumptions turn into programmes. Then it can become a pro-blem in the true Greek sense of the word because, when triggered, we permanently re-play a situation from our past. And suddenly we find ouselves re-playing all those situations that caused little and big traumas for us. Feeling small, hurt, even threatened.
If I stop here and take a pro-active approach on the situation, I can change it and maybe even experience some healing.
How do I do that?
Communication & Love
Personally, I opted for communication. I started to ask questions. Instead of assuming that Kim actually wanted to hurt me when I felt hurt by him, I began to ask myself: Do I really believe that Kim wants to hurt me? And I started to ask him: Why did you say that? What do you mean by it? Did you actually want to hurt me?
Eventually, after many backs and forths and a lot of tail-chasing circles that slowly transited into a spiraling motion it became clear, that none of us really wants to hurt anybody. Most of the time things are not even said or done with such an intention.
If I would find out that I live with somebody who intends to hurt me, I would choose to not live with this person, anymore. When you love somebody, this can be a scary thought and we might rather not ask questions because we fear the answer. What if, each time I ask if the hurt was intended the answer is “yes”? Yes, this would mean the end of the relationship.
But if I never ask these questions, I never have clarity about them. The assumptions turn into programmes and nourish the self-sustaining ones that are already there, re-playing the old, painful, scary and traumatic stories.
If, however, I do ask these questions, I give myself the chance to see what really is there. I might be surprised by what I see. What if I actually find love, peace and joy? What if I find that the other one actually is aiming into a similar direction and really wants to love and support me?
And in the worst case, I see that my fears came true and I maybe did not make the healthiest choice for me when I agreed to the relationship. This might initially be painful but in effect it gives me the chance to change something for the better.
I am glad, though, that in the case of my relationship with Kim, I always find a happy surprise when I ask those questions, however scary it might feel, in the first place.
There lies a magic within this phenomenon of one saying “red” and the other one understanding “green”. It holds vast potentials of inspiration and insights.
Green and red are complementing each other (- same as, for example, blue and yellow or orange and violet). When you have a complete spectrum of all colours and take out the colour red, the other colours reflect green – and vice versa.
So, when you meet someone who always understands “green” when you say “red”, “blue” when you say “yellow”, or “violet” when you say “orange” – this might be an indicator that both of you have everything to complete each other. And they are even offering it to you on a golden tray.”
Yes, it takes some courage to jump into this vast pool of potentials. But I find it so worth it.
Now, that I know that, I am glad that I stayed with it.
With this in mind: Have a Happy Valentine’s Day on the 14th!