Steffi and I have mostly spent the entire day, each day, together since I arrived here in Germany. Our relationship seems to have been one ripe for exploration. It began in March, 2011 in a chat room for an internet radio program hosted by my good friend Sandie Sedgbeer (Conversation at the Cutting Edge, Awakening Zone Radio, Sandie’s show). It then became private chats on the same program, private chats on Gmail, then Skype phone calls and finally a one week visit to Hamburg (that became a two week visit).
After I moved to Hamburg and began to live with Steffi, we began a journey that was uncharted territory for both of us. Of course, for us uncharted didn’t mean scary or worrisome – it meant joy and challenge (challenge in a good way).
I had no plan. I had no job here in Europe or on the internet. Steffi survived on the good graces of the German welfare system I had my cashed out 401K (US savings plan). My only income remains a small pension from my former employer. And I do have a credit card, although it’s quite burdened with debt at this point.
I mention the financials to be clear about my conviction and to be honest with others that I don’t offer this information as how-to guide to moving to Europe from the US or how to live a happily ever after. I am here simply because I felt this is where I wanted to be – because Steffi is who I wanted to be with. I felt that in this relationship I could be me more than I’ve ever been me before.
I knew I would experience resistance to this greater possibility. I knew this resistance would be my own. Choosing freedom is like opening a door and after passing through it, acting in a new, more expressive way doesn’t happen instantly. I also knew that I would have to embrace my fear of responsibility.
A life that looks like what society says it’s supposed to look like is said be responsible. And it is responsible – according to the way our culture defines responsibility. We are taught that when a person acts outside of certain borders, if they’re rich they are eccentric, if they’re poor they’re crazy and if they’re somewhere in between they’re just in transition to one or the other.
I do feel like I’m in transition – to what I’m not sure. Certainly not a transition that follows the linear, judgmental rules of the culture I grew up in. I know that living in an honest and aware way, from one joy to the next, and by allowing for myself an experience of love and connection with my higher self, I can enjoy a life, a now moment, of gratitude and playful creation.
I know that to create worry – worry. To create joy – do something that allows it into your experience. There’s a big wheel that turns and turns and turns. We experience it and say “It’s so big, so heavy, there’s no way I can have any positive effect on it.” Yet, it is the collective energy from all of us that created the wheel and provides the energy for its motion.
Resistance is indeed futile as far as the big wheel goes. The energy of our desire for something else is best applied to creating and nurturing what we enjoy. Whatever it is, if it brings us joy, a space and flow is then created that supports and allows more to come. The choice is not always easy since resonance with the big wheel is attractive (misery loves company).
As the Steffi and Kim adventure continues, I allow more light and love in to my life and experience the effect of that in my partner/wife/friend, Steffi. The old saying is carpe diem, seize the day. I think I’ll go with sinite diem – allow the day!